Driver Distraction

“License and registration, please.”

“I have them right here in my purse, Officer. I wasn’t speeding was I, ‘cause I’m pretty sure I just was right on the limit. I’m always very careful about that.”

“No, M’am, I didn’t pull you over for speeding. Insurance please.”

“Oh. Good, well, I didn’t think I was speeding – is it a tail light or something?”

“No, your tail lights are just fine M’am. You are aware of the new laws about driving while being distracted? They recently came into effect here in Ontario.”

“Oh, yes, I saw that on the news. But I wasn’t using my cell phone. I never talk on the phone and drive, and I don’t even use the GPS unless I’m parked somewhere.”

“Well M’am, there are a number of items that the government says are too distracting to have in the car. There have been many accidents and several fatalities, so we have to enforce these new laws, and there's a no-tolerance policy regarding this situation.”

“But, Officer, I don’t know what you’re referring to – I wasn’t using the phone, or the GPS – I don’t even have the CD player on!”

“I’m fully authorized to confiscate all such objects that are causing driver distraction. Such objects will be held at the police station until you can prove, in a court of law, that you can operate your vehicle in a safe and non-distracted manner. At that time, should the court rule in your favour, said object will be returned to you. Do you understand?”

“Yes, I get that, but I don’t get what object you are saying was causing the distraction. My phone isn’t even out of my purse!”

“I’m sorry but it’s clear to me that you were very distracted when you made several wide turns back there, and then you only came to a rolling stop at the last stop sign. I’m afraid you’re just going to have to hand over that baby. It’s simply too distracting to have with you in a vehicle while you are driving. You can retrieve it in a few months by the process I’ve already outlined. Then I’ll have to ask you to clear this area – you’re obstructing the flow of traffic.”

Am I Safe Enough Yet?

“Bye Mom. I’m going tobogganing with Freddie and Billy.”

“Tobogganing? Are you crazy? That’s way too dangerous!”

“But Mom, you used to go all the time when you were a kid. You said so.”

“Well, things were different then. The hills were lower. And back then it snowed all the time, so it wasn’t icy like it is nowadays. And the toboggans were way slower. I believe mine had sandpaper glued on the bottom.”

“But Mom, I need to go out and get some fresh air. And according to the news, us kids aren’t getting enough exercise.”

“I don’t know, Johnny. There are a lot of pollutants in the air. Someone near the hill could be smoking. You could inhale second-hand smoke. If you want exercise, why don’t you go use your dad’s Bowflex?”

“Ah Mom. That’s no fun. All the other guys go tobogganing…”

“Well… I guess it’s alright if all the other kids are doing it. Just be sure to wear your Tobogganing Helmet. You should use the one that’s rated for forty below zero. The other ones aren’t warm enough for this weather.”

“Do I have to? None of the other kids wear fur-lined helmets!”

“Yes, Johnny, you have to, you absolutely have to. What if they were to legislate helmet use for toboggoners while you were away from the house? I don’t want to be paying another big fat fine!”

“Ah Mom! Couldn’t I just wear the helmet I have on now?”

“What? Your House Helmet? That would be just plain silly. That thing is just not rated for total body crashes with trees or telephone poles or vehicles. You only get top of the head protection from a simple House Helmet. In fact, even the TV Watching Helmet wouldn’t be enough.”

“But, Mom! Nobody else’s mother makes them wear a special TV Watching Helmet.”

“I’m aware of that Johnny. But that’s only because they use the Multi-Purpose Video Helmet. Not every family can afford the superior protection of the TV Watching Helmet. You just don’t know how lucky you are.”

“I guess so. But… I kinda forget. Why is it that I have to wear the TV Watching Helmet?”

“As I’ve explained before, it’s for your protection. You never know what could happen unexpectedly. A meteorite could slice through the roof of the house, blast through the living room floor and conk you on the head while you’re watching TV in the basement. There’s hardly a day that goes by that I don’t see something in the newspaper about that very thing happening.”

“I never saw anything like that in the newspaper, Mom.”

“That’s because I cut out all those scary articles and I throw them away. There’s just no sense in you reading stuff like that and getting all upset and afraid.”

“But how can I ever figure out what to do if I don’t even know what’s going on in the world?”

“Oh, Johnny, don’t be silly. You don’t need to know what’s going on in the world. Just wear a helmet and everything will be okay. Now, you put your Multi-Purpose Video Helmet on and go use your X-Box. I’m going to go out to the hill where they’re tobogganing, set up my transit and measure the inclination of that hill. If it’s less than 40 degrees and there are no trees, telephone poles, large dogs, or mean looking kids around, you can go when I get back. Just hand me my helmet with the lead shield in it. There could be a lot of radiation today; the cloud cover looks pretty thin. And can you help me get my Front N’ Back Bear-Proof-Total-Body-Armor on before I go?”

“But Mom – it’s February. Aren’t the bears hibernating right now?”

“You never know Johnny. You never know.”