Friday, December 19, 2008

Polly Ester

“I don’t know Doctor, I used to be so, well, just so darned popular. Everyone loved me, especially people who were maybe a bit older. Seniors? They just loved me, and it seemed like they just couldn’t get enough of me – my tops, my bottoms, and most especially my matching tops and bottoms. They used to pinch me and say that they liked how I never showed my wrinkles – it always made me feel so … so youthful, and well, so sexy. I don’t like to use that word with you, Doctor, but that’s kind of how I felt back then.

“Even men, you know? Even they thought I was something, something really special. They just couldn’t get enough of me in a Safari suit. And now, well, Doc, now I just feel lost. Well, maybe not so much lost, as ignored. Being ignored? It’s worse than being rejected, at least in some ways it is.

“Oh sure, I can be a closet queen as well as the next gal, but it’s hard when you remember all the good times – the parties, and the bridge clubs, and the bus trips. I think it was the bus trips I liked the best. Everyone all decked out, and in such high spirits. Not a wrinkle in the crowd, and everything just so darned durable! I shouldn’t brag, but I really was indestructible! I had no worries about my beauty fading, or about getting all stretched out. I knew no matter what, I wouldn’t shrink - you know, I lived in a perfect worry-free sort of world.

“I just don’t understand how I could be so great back then, and how I could be so, oh, I dunno, hated now? Is that the word I want, Doctor? Hated? Could I really be hated because of all my great characteristics? Or maybe the word I want is ‘scorned’. My sister, Gabardeenia, used to tell me, ‘Polly, just ignore it! They’re just jealous, so don’t pay them no mind! Who else but you could go in and out of a suitcase and be none the worse for wear? You just gotta forget what they say! Your time will come back again, you’ll see.’

“Do you think that will happen, Doctor? Do you think my time will come back again? I have to think that’s going to happen, that I’ll be popular again, and be seen in all the stores, and at all the best parties. I can’t see how that won’t happen. I feel pretty sure about it. Anyway, if you could just refill my pills, Doctor, that should get me through this slump. The Prozac seems to be helping, I’m not crying so much these days. It’s a good thing I don’t stain easily, Doctor, it’s a good thing. And at my age, I haven’t got even one single solitary wrinkle, so I think if I just stick with the Prozac, I’ll make it through. And Doctor, just in case, could you put about 20 repeats on that prescription? Just in case, you know, just in case…”

Saturday, December 13, 2008

The Invention of Snow

“It’s too much, it’s all just too much!”

“What’s that? What’s too much?”

“Green – all that green – everything that isn’t blue is green. I think we could do better, Gabe.”

“Better? I’m not sure that I follow, Boss…”

“We need some kind of contrast – you know – add something else, something that will make the green special instead of just plain tedious.”

“I know – we could add snow!”

“Snow? What’s that?”

“It’s what you get when you freeze water.”

“Isn’t ice what you get when you freeze water?”

“Oh – that’s water on the ground, I’m taking about water in the sky.”

“I don’t remember putting any water in the sky, Gabe. Are you sure about this?”

“Pretty sure Boss – there’s little bits of water all over the sky, especially in those cloud things. I think we can make that water cold, and it will turn into flat particles – we can call them snowflakes.”

“Snowflakes. I like that. They won’t be blue will they?”

“No not green, we just decided we were sick of blue. What about yellow, Boss? We could make them yellow!”

“Nah, too dangerous Gabe. People might confuse it with other stuff. White! I think we should make them white!”

“Sounds nice."

"So we make this white snow stuff up here in the sky, and then what?”

“It falls down to earth. If we turn down the temperature, we can get the snow to pile up in a big thick blanket, and it will just stay there. We can do this during the winter, and then people will be able to tell when it’s winter, and when it’s summer. What do you think, Boss?”

“That’s brilliant Gabe! A winter and a summer – and both of them different – one white and the other green. I like it, I really like it! Will the snow have a nice smell to it?”

“That might be tricky, so I say, we forget about the smell. Maybe we could give it a sound instead.”

“You mean, like music or noise when it’s falling? Wouldn’t that get rather loud?”

“Yeah, you’re right – if each snowflake made a sound it could get out of hand. I know! What if it makes a scrunching sound when you walk on it on the ground? That would be cool!”

“Sort of, but that could get really loud if you had a crowd of people. You know how they are – always congregating in unholy throngs.”

“Okay, well, what about this - it only makes the scrunching sound under your feet if it’s really cold outside. If it’s just a little bit cold, the snow is silent, but when the temperature gets nice and low, the snow starts scrunching underfoot.”

“I like that, Gabe, I really do. It’s cold and it’s cheerful all at the same time. I’m glad I kept you on here. You really are an ‘ideas’ man! Where should we put all this snow?”

“Hmmm – that’s a tough one Boss. Maybe we should put it in Canada. They’ll never catch on that we did it – they’ll think it’s because they’re near the top of the planet. And if they ever do catch on, they’re Canadians – they’ll never say a word!”

“Good idea. You go and get started on that right away. I want lots of snow all over that Canada place – and try to have it there by my son’s birthday. People will think those two things are connected, and my son will love it!”

“Okay, I think I can have it snowing down there by then, but I haven’t finished up that last assignment you gave me yet. Shouldn’t I get that one out of the way first?”

“Well, Gabe, I’m sure you can do it, after all how much effort could it take to make a few tiny viruses? They’re just little specs of DNA!”

“True enough, but if I hurry it too much, I could make a mistake…and there’s no telling what I might get. I want to make sure those anti-war viruses work properly. One little slip here or there and there’s no telling what the viruses might do…”

“Oh never mind tinkering with the damned viruses - just use what you've got now. I’m sure they’re good enough. The snow project sounds like so much more fun. And don’t forget - I’ve given you that December 25th deadline.”

“I won’t forget, Boss. It shall come to pass.”

“Good, Gabe, excellent! Now, have you had any thoughts on how to get that typhoon thing you made back into the jar?”

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Land Line

“Johnny! Come and see what I got at the Antique Mall!”

“It sure is funny looking. What is it, Mom?”

“I think it’s a phone, Johnny. They weren’t quite sure at the Mall. But I remember my great-great-grandmother talking about how they used to have these things called ‘phones’ when she was a kid, and I think this might be one of them.”

“A phone? But what does it do?”

“I’m trying to remember. I think you used it to call people”

“Oh – like you program it, and it yells out their name really loud, to get their attention? Is that how it works, Mom?”

“Not exactly. See that cord on it? You plug that into the wall. Every house had one of these things plugged into the wall. You could use your phone to talk to someone on their phone in another house, because there were wires that attached all of these things together.”

“That doesn’t make any sense Mom. How could a thing in my house have a wire that went all the way to Ryan’s house in Tokyo? There would have been so many wires everyone would have gotten all tangled up in them! Why wouldn’t people just use their iComs?”

“There were no iComs back then.”

“No iComs! You mean babies were born without iCom implants in the palm of their hands?”

“Yes, that’s right Johnny. People were strictly organic back then – it wasn’t until after the Internet became sentient that we all had iComs. This came after Microsoft lost World War IX to Apple.”

“Oh, I know all about that. We just studied that at iSchool. Microsoft used to run the whole world until Apple invented nanoPeople Booster Bots – you know, those microscopic DNA computers they injected into people. It started our CompuEvolution, back in 2012”

“You’re exactly right, Johnny. After that people were no longer just bags of random DNA. We became proper iPeople. Once we had iDNA, it was easy to make sure every baby that came out of a test tube had their iCom right there in the palm of their hand.”

“But, Mom, I still don’t get how you use this phone thing. What are those funny buttons for?”

“Ummm…let me think. Oh yeah! See how there is a number on each button? You punched in a series of numbers, and the phone would make a noise in someone else’s house.”

“What kind of noise, Mom?”

“A ringing noise. It was very loud. Back then, people were giant brutes who were three or four feet taller than us. The houses had to be really big, and you had to be able to hear the ring from anywhere in the house.”

“That seems silly. Why didn’t it make music, or send out a pulse of endorphin like our iComs do?”

“Oh, phones were primitive. They were separate from people back then. They couldn’t even make music – not even ring tones – there was just a loud brash ringing sound.”

“What did you do if it made that sound, Mom?”

“As I understand it, you picked it up and said ‘hello’ and then you could talk to the person who was on a phone at his house.”

“Could you play games, or take pictures, or store music, or do surgery like with our iComs?

“Nope. All you could do was talk to the other person – nothing else. You couldn’t even see him.”

“Gosh, Mom, life must have been so horrible back then. I feel so sorry for those poor primates who had nothing but these barbaric ‘phones’.”

“Yes, me too, Johnny, me too. Now put the phone away until tomorrow. It’s time for me to give you your iUpgrade so you’ll be ready for iSchool tomorrow.”

“Okay, but I don’t think I’ll be able to settle down after all this excitement!”

“Well, turn your iCom on and watch a few episodes of iLassie on the inside of your iLids. I’ll get you a bowl of chips to eat while you’re watching.”

“Okay, Mom, but only if they’re new chips. The last ones were a week old and they reverse-evolved my Eye Mechanism – I didn’t have iVision for two days!”

“Sorry about that kiddo. Now go get in your iCase and I’ll bring in the chips.”

“Thanks, Mom! iLove you.”

“iLove you too, Johnny.”


Sunday, November 16, 2008

Why Not?



“But why not, Mummy, I just don’t get why not!”

“I’ve explained this to you over and over and over! You’re just not ready!”


“But I feel ready, Mummy, really I do!”

“Well there’s more to it than that, it’s not only a question of being ready, you have to be prepared to take on responsibility.”

“I do Mummy, I do take on responsibility! I do all that stupid stuff you ask me to do. I even do all the stuff you don’t want to do yourself. It’s just not fair!”

“Son, it’s not about being fair. It’s about it being the right time. It wouldn’t be right for me to give you more than you are able to handle. It’s simply not the right time yet.”

“But why Mummy? Why isn’t it the right time? And how will I even know when it is the right time?”


“You will know when it’s the right time because I will tell you. That’s what mother’s are for. They are there to make those really hard decisions for you, so you don’t make any foolish mistakes.”

“Well I still don’t really get it. I would think you would be tired of it after all these years Mummy. Don’t you ever get tired of it all?”

“Yes, of course, I am weary of the crushing responsibility of it all, but it seems worse to pass it on to you.”

“Oh I wouldn’t mind. Really I wouldn’t. It would make things easier for you – I could do all the big important stuff, and you could just take it easy.”

“No, no! I am pretty certain I won’t need to burden you with any of this for at least another twenty years. You’re better off the way things are right now, my dear.”

“If you say so, Mummy. But I really think that I would like to take a stab at having a job before I retire. Even if it’s just for a week or two while you are on vacation.”

“Silly Charles! How young you still are. Now go round up the Corgis. I’ll let you take them for a walk. You can think of it as your first step towards official office.”